


do not pass go

by karasunonolibero, keysmashlesbian



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Monopoly (Board Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasunonolibero/pseuds/karasunonolibero, https://archiveofourown.org/users/keysmashlesbian/pseuds/keysmashlesbian
Summary: Hubert takes a deep breath and composes himself. “Ferdinand. You need to understand something right now. I am not your boyfriend at this moment.” Hubert leans in. “I’m your corporate nightmare.”~or, the chess club plays Monopoly.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Yuris Leclair | Yuri Leclerc/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91





	do not pass go

**Author's Note:**

> we're sorry and you're welcome

**Fe <3**: hey my shift gets out at 4

 **Fe <3**: 4 as in 4pm

 **Fe <3**: 4 as in your better fucking be here at 4

 **Sylvain** : *you

 **Sylvain** : Also of course I’ll be there at four why wouldn’t I be there at four?

 **Fe <3**: because i refuse to have you show up two hours early and follow me around telling me i smell

 **Sylvain** : But you do though.

 **Sylvain** : You smell like all of it.

 **Sylvain** : All Of It.

 **Sylvain** : It’s a medical mystery.

 **Fe <3**: it’s a fucking candle store of course i smell

 **Sylvain** : If you were a candle what would you be called?

 **Fe <3**: im leaving

 **Sylvain** : That’s not the best name but I’ll take it!

 **Sylvain** : And I’ll absolutely be there at four I promise <3

 **Sylvain** : And please, Please, PLEASE tell Alois I’d love to be added to the email bulletin and my email is [ gautiernumber69@fodlan.com ](mailto:gautiernumber69@fodlan.com)

**Fe <3**: no

 **Sylvain** : Love you too! :)

  
  
  


**The HasBROS**

**Claude** : hey did we ever decide what we’re playing today?

 **Hubert** : Monopoly.

 **Yuri** : no. 

**Claude** : is that a no we’re not playing monopoly or no we haven’t decided yet

 **Ferdinand** : I want to be the dog.

 **Sylvain** : Okay but I have a hard out at four.

 **Claude** : oh yeah we’ll wrap up by then for sure

 **Sylvain** : Even if we play Monopoly?

 **Ferdinand** : I want to be the dog.

 **Claude** : did we decide 

**Hubert** : We didn’t vote yet.

 **Ferdinand** : I. Want. To. Be. The. Dog.

 **Yuri** : no <3

 **Claude** : so ferdie votes for monopoly

 **Hubert** : Is that a no for monopoly or a no for Ferdinand getting the dog?

 **Hubert** : Because Ferdinand gets the dog.

 **Yuri** : yes.

 **Hubert**. He. Gets. The. Dog.

 **Ferdinand** : I want to be the dog.

 **Sylvain** : So we’re playing Monopoly and Ferdinand is the dog?

 **Ferdinand** : FINALLY.

 **Ferdinand** : I would be delighted to play Monopoly but I had to be the dog.

 **Yuri** : wait, he wants to be the dog?

 **Yuri** : claude did you know about this?

 **Claude** : no???

 **Claude** : when did this happen???

 **Ferdinand** : [screenshot]

 **Ferdinand** : Did my messages not send?

 **Yuri** : no <3

 **Sylvain** : This is eating into my hard stop at four.

 **Claude** : okay usual spot??

 **Yuri** : if by usual spot you mean your apartment, i’m already here.

 **Claude** : wait, how long have you been here?

 **Hubert** : I will bring the game.

 **Ferdinand** : And me!

 **Claude** : awwwww

 **Yuri** : wait, who’s bringing the dog?

 **Claude** : ferdinand just said hubert’s bringing him.

 **Hubert** : I hate you.

 **Ferdinand** : The dog is with the board game!

 **Ferdinand** : It’s one of the pieces!

 **Ferdinand** : [Picture]

 **Ferdinand:** See?

 **Sylvain** : But if you’re bringing the game and the dog and Ferdinand then who’s flying the plane????

 **Hubert** : Please save your trash talk for the game.

 **Sylvain** : What?

 **Claude** : what?

 **Yuri** : what?

 **Ferdinand** : LOL

  
  


**@mockingbird** : playing monopoly with the Crew. time to break out the loaded dice

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird SHGDHADHHKHSDK

 **@mockingbird** : @mythicalsongstress if you tell ferdinand then masked singer and mojitos is cancelled

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird your secrets safe with me <3

 **@mockingbird** : @mythicalsongstress <33333

“So,” Sylvain says, “who’s going to be the banker?”

“I want to be the banker,” Hubert says.

“I want to be the dog,” Ferdinand says for approximately the seven hundredth time. 

“I want a Big Gulp,” Claude adds, rising from the armchair he found on the side of the road on the way back from toilet papering Lorenz’s frat house. There’s a weird stain he still hasn’t identified, but it’s not red and doesn’t smell so he supposes it’s fine. “Anyone else thirsty?”

“Do you just have Big Gulps?” Sylvain asks. “Like, just laying around?”

“No, I’m the banker,” Yuri says, reaching for the fake money.

“No, I’m the banker,” Hubert replies.

“ _I’m_ the banker.”

“I’m Ferdinand von Aegir!” 

“And the dog!” Claude yells from the kitchen. “Sylvain, do you want Coke or Sprite?”

“Sprite.”

“Freak.” Claude hands him the cup, pointedly ignoring the looping handwriting clearly saying Hilda on the side.

“Claude, who’s the banker?” Yuri asks, kicking his feet up on the table.

Sylvain kicks his feet off the table. “Why do you have the ugliest shoes on the planet?”

“Because I’m the banker.”

“They look like flotation devices.”

“I float above the ninety-nine percent.”

“Eat the rich.”

“Kinky, but we both have boyfriends.”

“Ayooooo!” Claude takes a loud sip of his Big Gulp.

“So, since Yuri’s being eaten, I’m the banker, right?” Hubert slides the fake money to his side of the table.

Yuri hums. “You’re sure about that, von Vestra?”

The table goes quiet while Yuri and Hubert stare icily at each other. Claude sees Hubert’s eyes widen, Yuri barely nod, then Hubert raises an eyebrow, which causes Yuri to blink once. Then, to Claude’s utter surprise, Hubert shoves the fake money away.

“Fine.” Hubert crosses his arms. “Where’s my Big Gulp?”

“Wait, I’m still the dog, right?” Ferdinand panics.

“Yes, for fuck’s sake, you are the dog.” Sylvain groans, pulling at his own hair. He checks the clock on his phone. One twelve. Perfect.

“So if Ferdinand’s the dog…” Claude dumps the rest of the pieces out on the table. “Fight.”

Hubert wordlessly snatches the iron. Claude lets his hand hover over the dog just long enough to see the flames of murder flicker in Hubert’s eyes, then chooses the battleship.

“Just so I can sink all of you hoes.”

Sylvain puts the hat on his head. “Top of the morning! Oh, shit!” The hat tumbles onto the floor and under the sofa. “Fuck, did anyone see where it went?” Ferdinand slides out of his chair to help him look. 

Claude, meanwhile, thoughtfully slides the shoe over to Yuri. 

Yuri blinks. “What’s this for?”

“You didn’t pick one yet.”

“I don’t want the shoe.”

“It’s better than your actual shoes,” Hubert grumbles.

“Look, it’ll probably fit, too!” Claude holds the shoe up. Yuri swats at his arm.

“Yuri _does_ have tiny feet,” Sylvain observes from the floor. He blindly grabs his kicked off sneaker and holds it next to his own foot. “Look! He’s so tiny! And you know what they say about tiny feet!”

“He has a big dick, though,” Claude says.

Sylvain pops his head up. “ _What_.”

“What?” Ferdinand squawks.

Hubert ignores them. Claude shrugs. “What?”

“Power to you, man.” Sylvain shrugs. “Also the hat was under your stupid shoes. Can we play now?”

Hubert grabs the dice and promptly rolls a three. Baltic Avenue. “Fuck!” He rifles through his money. “I’ll buy it.”

They watch as Hubert furiously slams sixty dollars on the table, knocking over his own iron in the process. 

Claude blinks. “Aren’t those the worst properties to buy?”

“Do I have a choice, von Riegan?” Hubert snaps frantically. Yuri smugly collects the cash.

“You literally do!”

“He’s rattled.” Ferdinand gasps, rolling his dice in one hand. “I can win.”

Four. Income tax.

“Fuck!”

  
  


**@mockingbird** : turn five. properties are dropping like flies. vestras landed on every taxable spot on the board. they suspect nothing

 **@mockingbird** : i’m this close to the first monopoly but aegir is sitting on the pink i need. its his only property so it’s going to be a bitch to get

 **@mockingbird** : gautiers already lost. he keeps dropping his piece and putting it back on the wrong spots. its almost sad but im going to Destroy him for dissing my gronderzz

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird no taste. he’s just jealous he can’t be in our squad

 **@roseofgloucester** : @mockingbird @mythicalsongstress Gronderzz are fucking ugly and stupid and you can fight me on it.

 **@galateafalcon** : @mockingbird @mythicalsongstress @roseofgloucester did you just call my girlfriend stupid

 **@galateafalcon** : @mockingbird @mythicalsongstress @roseofgloucester square the fuck up

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird @roseofgloucester @galateafalcon the homophobia of it all

 **@roseofgloucester** : @mockingbird @mythicalsongstress @galateafalcon I’M GAY TOO WHAT THE FUCK

  
  


_Hi Twitter user roseofgloucester,_

_After receiving several reports about your account, we have determined it will be suspended due to the violation of the following Twitter rules:_

  * _Harassment_
  * _Hate speech_
  * _Inciting violence_



_We strive to make Twitter a safe environment for our users. If you feel you have been wrongly suspended, contact our Safety Team._

  
  


**@galateafalcon** : @mockingbird also sylvain hasn’t paid me back for dimitri’s steakhouse dinner so bleed that bitch dry

 **@mockingbird** : @galateafalcon *kiss emoji*

  
  


“Hey Hubert.” Sylvain waves Mediterranean. “I got a deal for you. I want Reading Railroad.”

Hubert makes a face. “Absolutely not.”

“I got Boardwalk!” Ferdinand screams, jumping up. “I got it!”

“Hubert, you’re _never_ getting the other railroads, so just please let me give you Mediterranean so you can get a monopoly and we can take down Claude.”

“I refuse to work with you, even if it is to take down Claude.”

“Hello...” Ferdinand shoves a stack of bills toward Yuri. “I got Boardwalk.”

Yuri picks up the stack and leafs through it. “You’re short fifty.”

“What?” 

“Look.” Yuri counts out the bills. “Three-fifty. I need four hundred.”

“Oh. Yes, of course.” Ferdinand hands him an extra bill. _Now_ he can win.

  
  
  


**@mockingbird** : the operation is expanding. we’re money laundering now

 **@mockingbird** : between the loaded dice and artificial inflation, the secret stash is up to $2000

 **@mockingbird** : i just need that FUCKING PINK

 **@roseofgloucester2** : okay so @mockingbird can tweet about cheating and swindling but MY twitter gets suspended???? @twitter how is this okay????

_Hi Twitter user roseofgloucester2,_

_After receiving several reports about your account, we have determined it will be suspended due to the violation of the following Twitter rules_

  * _Targeted Harassment_



  
  


**Fe <3**: hey alois wanted me to tell you that he’s putting aside a candle of your choice

 **Fe <3**: you know, because your such a fan and all

 **Fe <3**: but he’s also weirdly mad you’re picking me up before inventory tonight so. 4pm. 

**Fe <3**: don’t forget

 **Fe <3**: or else

 **Fe <3**: love you

  
  


“Claude, you know I love you, bro, but what the actual fuck?” Sylvain waves a hand towards Claude’s side of the table.

“What about it?” 

“It’s a mess!”

Claude frowns. “Hey, just because I don’t keep my properties in color order or whatever the fuck—”

“There are _bills_ mixed in with the properties.”

“And? I know what’s what.” Claude motions to Hubert’s piles. “What about Hubert?”

“There is a method to the madness, so to speak.” Hubert glances down at his piles. “We have the railroad here, which Sylvain needs. The yellow and orange, which Claude needs. Park Place, which Ferdinand needs. Lastly, Electric in case Yuri wants to stop being an absolute ass and sell me Water Works.”

“Wait. Wait. Stop.” Sylvain rubs his eyes. “You’ve organized all your shit based on what we want?”

“That’s fucked up.” Yuri says between sips of Claude’s Big Gulp. “I’m into it.”

“It’s the psychological warfare that makes Hubert such a formidable opponent.” Ferdinand muses. “Speaking of psychological warfare, Yuri, what the heck is going on with your organization?”

Yuri blinks. “What organization?”

“Precisely!”

“It _is_ giving me agita.” Sylvain says, wrinkling his nose. 

“Well, then it’s a good thing they’re _my_ piles and not yours.”

Ferdinand makes a high pitched whine, eyes fixed to the mess that is Yuri’s workstation.

  
  


**@mockingbird** : what they see: a mess. what i see: a distraction

[IMG_172.png]

 **@mockingbird** : money laundering is going smoothly. claude may be the first one out which is a bummer but winning waits for no bitch

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird you’ll find love again <3

 **@flameemperor** : @mockingbird @mythicalsongstress let me know the next time you play! 

**@flameemperor** : Damn @mockingbird is reminding me how much i love monopoly :( whoever stole my board is a dead man

  
  


**Fe <3**: hey where are you parked?

 **Fe <3**: sylvain?

 **Fe <3**: hello?

**Missed Call from Fe <3**

  
  


**Hilda** : r u still playin??

 **Hilda** : its almost 430

 **Hilda** : u no mari wont come ovr if hubie is here!!

 **Hilda** : aftr the Thing!!

 **Claude** : it’s okay she can come over after i destroy him

 **Hilda** : THE THING

 **Claude** : 20 MINUTES I SWEAR

“Doubles again?” Claude scream laughs. He’s nearly falling out of his chair as Hubert stares at the dice, snake eyes up.

“How is that even possible?” Sylvain asks. “This is like, the third time in a row he’s gone to jail.”

“Isn’t it amazing when you can’t fulfill your dream of being a banker you turn to a life of crime?”

“Stuff it, LeClerc.” Hubert grumbles, dragging the iron across the board to jail.

Ferdinand rolls and, without looking, moves one space to the “Just Visiting” part of jail, next to Hubert. “I’m going to stay here.”

“Why would you do that?” Sylvain asks.

“To visit my criminal partner!” Ferdinand beams.

Hubert groans. “Ferdinand, would you just continue your turn. This is hardly necessary.”

“Hubert, it would be my honor to keep you company in your time of penance and self reflection. Maybe I can send you a gift basket!”

Claude eyes the board. “But if you keep going you’ll land on—”

Yuri slaps a hand over Claude’s mouth. “He’s choosing love, Claude. Let him listen to his heart.”

While Ferdinand makes his prison visit, Sylvain rolls himself onto one of Yuri’s properties. “Damn it, Virginia Avenue,” he huffs, forking over the ten dollars.

“Wait. I would have landed on Free Parking!” Ferdinand yells.

“Yeah, it would have been great,” Yuri says.

“That was six hundred dollars!” Ferdinand wails.

“Who needs money when you have love?”

“You fucking idiot.” Hubert groans.

  
  


**15 Missed Calls from Fe <3**

**6 Voicemails from Fe <3**

  
  


**Fe <3**: SYLVAIN WHAT THE FUCK

 **Fe <3**: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

 **Fe <3**: ALOIS IS STARING AT ME THROUGH THE WINDOW

 **Fe <3**: DID YOU DIE OR SOMETHING?

 **Fe <3**: IF YOURE NOT DEAD OR IN A COMA IM FUCKING KILLING YOU

  
  


**@flameemperor:** @vonvestra organizing a monopoly game soon if you want in. do you have a board we can use?

 **@brigidpride:** @flameemperor @vonvestra i have never played monopoly but i would love to learn how :)

 **@mythicalsongstress:** @flameemperor @brigidpride @vonvestra petra i would die for you

 **@brigidpride:** @flameemperor @vonvestra @mythicalsongstress D: please do not!!!!!!

 **@roseofgloucester3:** @flameemperor I would love to join for a game of Monopoly! I am free Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays!

 **@roseofgloucester3** : WHY DID FLAMEEMPEROR BLOCK ME?????

_Hi Twitter user roseofgloucester3,_

_After receiving several reports about your account, we have determined it will be suspended due to the violation of the following Twitter rules—_

**@mythicalsongstress** : BITCH LORENZ HOW MANY EMAILS DO YOU HAVE ASKJDFHGJASKHL

 **@mockingbird** : @mythicalsongstress DID HE GET BANNED AGAIN DJSGKGFDKJ

 **@roseofgloucester4** : @mockingbird @mythicaclsongstress Gmail is literally free

 **@mythicalsongstress** : @mockingbird @roseofgloucester4 but your oppression of the lower class? priceless <3

_Hi Twitter user roseofgloucester4,_

_After receiving several reports about your account, we have determined it will be suspended—_

**Visual Voicemail from Fe <3**

_Sylvain what the actual FUCK is wrong with you I said four oh fucking clock and it’s six. Six! I’ve been standing out here for two fucking hours and Alois keeps watching me through the window because I SAID I had super important plans tonight so I couldn’t stay late and NOW—_

_Hang on. Hey Alois. No I’m sure he’ll be here! It’s okay, I’ll just stand out here! Nope. I would just get in the way! Nope. Nope. Please, I’m fine! Oh, Lysithea—wait, fuck—_

**Voicemail Disconnected**

  
  


“Say, Hubert.” Ferdinand slides closer, chair screeching on the floor and bumping shoulders with Hubert. “We should get take out for dinner tonight. From your favorite Thai place.”

“Mhm.” Hubert nods.

Ferdinand rests his head on his shoulder, batting his eyelashes. “Maybe some _dessert_ later? My treat?”

“Sure.”

“This is just sad,” Claude mutters. 

“ _Hubert von Vestra_ ,” Ferdinand snaps, palm open. “Give me Park Place.”

“What? Fuck no.”

“Hubert!” Ferdinand gasps. “There is no reason for you to be clinging to Park Place when I, your boyfriend, could be using it to succeed and bring home the win for team Aegirstra!”

“We’re playing teams?” Sylvain sits up. “This isn’t fair, my boyfriend’s not—”

Sylvain freezes in place.

“Oh my god.”

“Oh yeah, what happened to ‘hard stop at four?’” Claude sips at the last of his Big Gulp. “Damn that really was a Big Gulp. It’s like six.”

“The biggest gulp.” Yuri chimes in.

“Hubert!” Ferdinand tugs Hubert’s sleeve. “Park Place! Or else!”

“Or else, what?”

“I’ll watch the rest of _Love Island_ without you!”

“You wouldn’t dare—”

“And I’ll tell you every spoiler!”

Hubert takes a deep breath and composes himself. “Ferdinand. You need to understand something right now. I am not your boyfriend at this moment.” Hubert leans in. “I’m your corporate nightmare.”

“Wow,” Claude breathes. “I got chills.”

Yuri slings an arm around Claude’s shoulder. “Hey baby, let me be your corporate nightmare.”

“That’s hot.”

“You want to see something hot?” Yuri looks at Hubert. “I want Electric.”

Hubert huffs. “Too bad, I’m—” Yuri coughs. “...Right. Here.”

Ferdinand throws his hands, and his dog, up in the air. “What the hell?”

“Oh, team Rieclerc is _winning_ today.”

“Oh, no.” Sylvain whispers, his phone pressed to his ear. “Oh _no_.”

“I lost the dog! Sylvain, I helped you find the hat. Help me find my dog.”

Sylvain puts his phone face down and stares at the board, eyes empty. “I have hours left to live on this earth. And I’m spending it playing Monopoly.”

“Pour one out!” Yuri steals Sylvain’s Big Gulp and takes a sip.

Claude hands the dice to Sylvain. “You might as well finish at this point, man.”

Sylvain rolls snake eyes and goes directly to jail. “Of course!”

  
  


**Fe <3**: i will find you and i will kill you

 **Fe <3**: lysithea made me stay for inventory and i will never get the smell out of my fucking clothes

 **Fe <3**: annette is driving me home to change and then i will find you and i will kill you

 **Fe <3**: im using the candle alois gave you to bludgeon you to death

 **Fe <3**: fbi i HOPE your reading this youd understand why this is necessary

 **Sylvain** : *you’re

 **Fe <3**: WHAT THE FUCK

 **Fe <3**: SO YOU CAN CORRECT MY GRAMMAR BUT YOU CAN LEAVE ME STRANDED OUTSIDE A SCENTS OF SEIROS FOR THREE HOURS HUH

 **Fe <3**: Hi Sylvain! This is Annette. I had to take Felix’s phone away because his screaming started drowning out my music. I took him to McFlayn’s and he’s eating a double quarter pounder so hopefully he’s calming down.

 **Fe <3**: I’m venmoing you for the McFlayn’s.

 **Fe <3**: Also you’re dead when I see you next bye!!!

  
  


“Can you please just bankrupt me,” Sylvain begs. “Please, for the love of god, just fucking tax me out of my own house. Gentrify the neighborhood.”

“You’re the one who keeps landing on Community Chest and not paying any of us rent,” Yuri points out, rolling the dice. “Aren’t you glad to be prolonging your inevitable end?”

Yuri lands on Boardwalk. Ferdinand’s Boardwalk, which recently became Hubert’s Boardwalk. With Hubert’s hotel.

The room goes quiet. It’s a game ending roll. Many a game of Monopoly has been ended just before the player could pass Go that final time, their hopes and financial dreams slipping away into—

“Done.” Yuri hands him $2000.

“Fucking where”—Ferdinand leaps from his seat, fists slamming on the table—“did you get two thousand dollars? Where? How? Who are you working for? It certainly isn’t me, or Claude, or Sylvain, or—”

The door slams open.

“I’m so sorry! He’s really fast and I have short legs and I don’t even know why he has a key to Claude’s place, oh, hi everyone!” Annette rambles, predictably heaving after chasing Felix up four flights of stairs. 

Felix stomps over to the table, the smell of pine, oranges, sandalwood, and fresh laundry wafting off him. And rage. There’s rage, too.

“Hey, Fe,” Sylvain squeaks out. Claude pushes his chair back.

Felix kicks the board off the table. Ferdinand’s dog goes flying. 

“You fucking asshole!” Felix yells, grabbing Sylvain by the collar. “You’ve been playing _Monopoly_? Monopoly!?”

“Felix, I can explain—”

“I was sitting my ass outside a Scents of Seiros store for two hours while you were playing a fucking board game?”

“Listen, I know it looks bad, but—”

“It’s not the mall location, Sylvain!” Felix shakes him by the collar. “There was no fucking food court I could escape to! Four foot eleven Lysithea dragged me in to sort inventory! Which I specifically said I couldn’t do because of a special occasion!” Felix squints. “Do you know what that special occasion was?”

“Oh, this is juicy,” Yuri whispers to Claude.

“Uh...no?”

“There wasn’t one! It was a lie! I lied to Alois, and now he knows it! I’m going to get opening shifts for the rest of my life!”

“Wait. What the hell is this?” Ferdinand grabs a fistful of bills, from the piles stacked under the board. “Where did this money come from?”

“Was that all under the board?” Claude’s eyes widen. 

“Hey, there’s Connecticut Avenue!” Ferdinand holds up a deed.

“Yuri!” Claude gasps. “Were you... _cheating_?”

  
  


**@mockingbird** : ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.

 **@ferdinandvonaegir** : @mockingbird YOU WERE TWEETING THIS WHOLE TIME?

 **@ferdinandvonaegir** : @mockingbird YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE YOUR PHONE OUT????

  
  


**Hilda** : y r u so LOUD OUT THERE R U DONE OR WHT

 **Hilda** : u NO how mari is abt noise!! and hubie!! aftr the Thing!!

  
  


“Hubert, can you believe—what are you doing?”

Hubert is crouched on the floor, scrambling to gather houses, money, and properties together.

“No, no, no, please be okay, please be okay,” he mutters frantically, folding the board and reopening it. “Please don’t be wrinkled.”

“Is he okay?” Claude asks.

“Hubert, for Sothis’ sake, we can get a new board.” Ferdinand sighs.

“No, we can’t.” Hubert looks up at him, and for the first time in Ferdinand’s life, he sees fear in his eyes. “This isn’t my board.”

  
  


**@flameemperor** : @vonvestra hubert.

 **@flameemperor** : @vonvestra I just remembered something interesting.

 **@flameemperor** : @vonvestra About you mentioning my board being “lucky” for you?

 **@vonvestra** : @flameemperor I can explain.

 **@vonvestra** : @flameemperor It’s Yuri’s fault.

 **@mockingbird** : @vonvestra @flameemperor i resent these baseless accusations. i present, to the court, the receipts.

[IMG_173.png]

 **@ferdinandvonaegir** : @mockingbird BUT YOU CHEATED

 **@flameemperor** : @vonvestra Hubert.

 **@mythicalsongstress** : LMAO HUBERT DELETED HIS TWITTER

 **@roseofgloucester5** : @mythicalsongstress was he also bullied off the platform?

_Hi Twitter user roseofgloucester5,_

  
  


The ride home is a deadly sort of quiet. Sylvain is nursing both a pounding headache and the silent treatment, Felix fuming in the passenger seat with feet on the dashboard. He doesn’t even try to tell him to put his feet down.

“Hey,” Sylvain starts. “So I kind of fucked up today.”

“Mhm.”

“And, uh, I’m sorry you had to do inventory.”

“Mhm.”

“And I’m sorry I let Monopoly ruin our relationship.”

“Did you win?”

“What?”

“Did you win?”

“No, Yuri cheated.”

“So you played Monopoly for six fucking hours and you couldn’t even win?”

“Well they started teaming up and I was alone and I didn’t even stand a chance in the end! They were pulling all sorts of crazy deals, like, Yuri promised Claude he’d order their take out for the next two weeks for a property! Ferdinand was getting all cozy with Hubert! Which was disgusting to watch, by the way! I can’t compete with that!”

“You’re a nerd.”

“Yeah, well, your nerd? Hopefully? If you don’t bludgeon me with a candle?”

“I don’t want to go to jail.” Felix sighs. “Especially not with Hubert.”

“Yeah, you’d have Ferdinand visiting you every weekend.”

“Gross.”

“So.” Sylvain drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “What candle did you pick up?”

“Oh, that? I gave it to Marianne.”

“Marianne? When did you see Marianne?”

“She was sitting outside Claude’s apartment. She kept mumbling about a thing or whatever.”

  
  


**The HasBROS**

**Claude** : sooooooo Life next week?

 **Ferdinand** : I want the red car!

**Author's Note:**

> visit us on twitter!
> 
> [emma](https://twitter.com/keysmashlesbian) / [keely](https://twitter.com/karasnonolibero)


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